Oasis…..(you’ve crossed long years). . .
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Oasis
(A poem for Communion, for Eucharist;
a ‘Medicine’ poem of surrender, of restoration—
for you, for me; in three parts. –Quilla)
1. Loss
Looking back from here—a rugged waste
of lost terrain stretches out behind you.
You’ve crossed long years
of desperate miles, made-up faces,
wandered empty desert places,
weathered the dry flood
of broken rocks and broken faith,
faded smiles, the fallen petals of roses.
Your favorite clothes, and your heart
are torn by long thorns,
now deep-stained the rust of blood.
Your neglected springs have gone, turned
to mouthfuls of bitter dust. Your soul drinks
and breathes the unrelenting siroccos
of human and satanic wind.
Those high-blown scarps of sand
keep screaming beguiling lies at you.
You walk outside the tent, look, and listen:
but wind erased all traces of the trail.
So you’ve learned to hole up in the shadows,
blame others, back against the wall
licking your righteous wounds
til falls the dreadful veil of dark.
2. Oasis
But here, a small sunlit stream comes to you,
bends before you now: the bright green lace
of water licks the broken stones.
In this place, the stream widens out for you
under the cool palm shadows of truth;
with easy grace, the peace of fragrant lilies
pours into a quiet pool.
It is time for you to stop.
Sit down here, take off your dusty shoes,
let Someone wash and kiss
your bleeding feet.
Allow your self: to feel the deeper coolness
wanting to soothe your fugitive, weary soul.
There is no other time.
Let your self receive, rejoice at last.
Allow your heart to grieve, to weep
the salty oil of past, and present sorrow.
Feel what you must feel, then let it flow
into the perfect stream.
No longer hide, or be busy, tough, religious
or even “spiritual”—to impress yourself,
your friends, or God himself.
Give up on all of that. In its stead, stay here
before Him, wait, and be still.
Let hurt go, watch it rise like wreathes
of smoke, like hungry flames
at last burned out of you.
Allow yourself to praise: express the deepest
thankfulness, for all of it.
Let your precious bitterness dissolve,
wash away like yellow fungus, crusted
layers on your hard and tender heart,
let it wash into the quiet, fathomless pool.
It is poured out here, for you.
3. Surrender
This holy war. Fierce battles,
so much blood, and time, already lost.
But Someone you ignored
walked up the rocky hill
and poured your empty goblet
red and full.
The fragrant living Bread
of His being is broken open, waiting for you
to feed: hundreds of pages, furious love, scribed
in the hovering shadows of doves.
Eat and drink—this risen Bread,
this crushed and holy Wine.
All of it. Stand completely healed
in the luminescence of forgiving love.
Savor the alien flavor, delicate scent,
the subtle radiance of halos, spun
with unnamed colors of holiness.
You can begin to hear the songs of birds
and feel the open sky.
Give thanks. It is given, for you.
Yes. It is for you.
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“Your lovingkindness O LORD, extends
to the heavens, your faithfulness
reaches to the skies.
Your righteousness is like the mountains
of God; your judgments are like a great deep.
How precious is your lovingkindness, O God.
“And the children of men take refuge
in the shadow of Your wings.
They drink their fill of the abundance
of Your house, and You give them to drink
from the river of Your delights.
For with You is the fountain of Life,
and in Your light, we see light.”
–Psalm 36: 5-9
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Saturday, December 11.10; Offering ourselves
“Offer up to God all your affections, desires, regrets, and all the bonds which link us to home, kindredand friends, along with all our works, our purposes, and labor.
‘These things, are not only lawful, but sacred, and they become the matter of our real thanks giving, the true offering of ourselves to God. Bring to him your total self: all your memories, plans for the future, wishes, intentions, works just begun, half done, not completed, all but finished; bring to God your emotions, your brokenness, your sympathies—all these things which throng tumultuously and often dangerously in the human heart and will, separating us from each other, and from God himself.
‘The only way to master these is to offer them up to God, to let them go. For in such letting go, giving up, offering our total selves to God, do we become free, do we truly become His own.”
—adapted from the writings of Henry Edward Manning, born 1808
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Reflections: this whole idea of letting go has been presenting itself to me in a variety of ways, from several independent sources over the last couple of years. When this sort of harmony plays itself out on the the different strings of my life, I know that the Spirit of God is singing to me, trying to get a message–some key lyrics of His song to me, trying to grow me in the capacity to love and to forgive, and thus grow me in real dimensions of wisdom, and freedom. Practical, useful wisdom. True freedom. I share a little of this with you, hoping it will be fruitful in your heart and life. Perhaps He has been singing to you as well. The real question is: am I listening? (or am I too busy, even too religious to listen to God?!)
For the most part our spiritual leaders and mentors say little about this vast, interior wilderness—the ‘back-country’ of the spirit-led life. (They can not talk about a topography they themselves do not know). So the great emphasis tends toward the outward, more public view: give, get busy, take more on, join in, participate, create and construct, build and contribute. All of these can be very good in themselves, and have their place, but a busy life of good works is also one of the biggest decoys, or stumbling blocks to real progress toward growing in the likeness of Christ. I realize that these words border on blasphemy to many.
But it’s quite possible that outward activities have little if any to do with the larger, more private side of the spirit life encouraged in today’s passage and the scripture below—that of emptying ourselves, offering ourselves, giving up, resigning, confession and earnest repentance, identifying strongholds that bind you, learning how to let go of them, even demolish them. This is the necessary inner, deeper plowing of the heart, so that the seed sown there will fall on broken loam, and bear healthy plants, truly good fruit for sharing and nourishing others. Quite often, less is indeed, more. Much more.
These “deconstructive” movements are absolutely essential to spiritual growth. Scripture is very clear throughout that God is not interested in our productivity, how many ‘good’ things we do, as He is in who we are, what we believe, our true heart motives, all that baggage we keep hidden and lug around in our hearts–stuff that is not pleasing to Him, because it limits our capacity and willingness to love, to live freely, to give ourselves away. God sees through all our posturing and pretense. Please do not ever forget it was the leaders, those outwardly moral ones, who murdered the Son of God. –Because He saw through them, and exposed their self-righteous hearts, who had no need for a righteous Savior.
But we would never be like them, would we? Be on guard for the motives and actions that proceed out of the ‘religious’ side of your nature. It is the counterfeit, the very enemy of the Spirit of God that lives in you by grace, through faith. This Holy Spirit will always lead you to the Cross of Christ, to humble yourself, and hide your good works, not to show them off, glorying in the little goodnesses you do.
We tend to carry so much: on our shoulders, on our tongues and in our hearts: our memories, storing up wounds large and petty, for years; these can grow into resentments and scars, which evolve into bitterness and many other stunted unloving patterns in our dealings with others, often keeping us bound-up spiritual “runts” well into our latter years. It is not beautiful, what cherishing garbage does to the human soul. By simply listening to someone–what they say and do not say– you come to understand the burdens, the wounds, the joys of her heart, what she truly believes, where she has placed her hope.
And so I chose to post today’s meditation, an exortation from Henry Manning, from two centuries ago. He was right on point with one of the most vital and ongoing movements necessary to the health and joy and love of our spirits: letting go of our self, offering all that we are and have been and hope to be, to God. Yes, he said all of it. God can take it. He is the only one who will, and can. This is the absolute prerequisite for any work that is truly good. Good works that have been laundered of self and all its impurities, washed in the only Blood that cleanses the very threads of our lives.
These are often very inward, private matters, and they vary for each of us. But our inner awakenings have profound effects on how we relate to others: how well we give, forgive, and receive love. It can easily be seen, and felt, by others: how tentative, how conditional and judgmental our “love” is. How touchy and irritable, how easily offended and retractable we are, or are not.
This offering of one’s total self to God is for you, it is for me. It’s not for someone else. Please receive, meditate, and begin acting upon this enormously important area of surrender, letting go, and offering your whole self to God. This is the life we were designed for. In fact, it is the only real Life. Everything else is groping, “chasing after wind”.
Genuinely offering one’s self to God is nothing less than a type of dying to our little self, so that we may live to a great God, who makes our lives significant, of lasting value. In His perfect love and redemption we truly live, and love, clean, forgiven and forgiving, free indeed.
There is some inevitable pain that goes with some of these movements, depending on how deeply rooted they are, how much has been lost. But also great freedom, transcendent joy flows in as we move in these ways. Absolutely necessary, if we are to live in God, and not remain bound up in ourselves.
“I urge you therefore, brothers and sisters, to offer your selves to God as living sacrifices, because of all that He has done for you. Let this be a living and holy sacrifice, the kind He will find acceptable.”
–Romans 12: 1-2
–Quilla
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Ruach 333, by Quilla 